you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
