I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
