the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
