cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize