he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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