Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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