k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
