If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Less talking, more tequila
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
