They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
