I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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