Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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