Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
