How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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