hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
