I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
