So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
