Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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