I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
