At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
