all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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