Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
