It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
