Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
