My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
