life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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