last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
