i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
