**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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