aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
