It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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