It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
