when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
