I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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