i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
