Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
