Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
