I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
