possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
