how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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