well I can't set my house on fire every night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
