Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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