she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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