Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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