Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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