WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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