everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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