I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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