I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
