Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
