you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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