dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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