if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
