i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
